20 Questions I Have About ‘Saved By the Bell’ 20 Years Later

I first remember watching Saved By the Bell when I was five, and I’ve been a faithful watcher ever since. It was my morning routine when getting ready for school — get dressed and see how Zack f-cked sh-t up for the gang.

But when it was announced that the tell-all business would be turned into a Lifetime movie, the FIRST thing I did was head to YouTube to watch one of the best fictional songs by one of the best fictional girl groups of ALL TIME, Hot Sundae. (I just wanna sing, Mama!)

You know Hot Sundae, don’t you? It was the singing group of Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa, and they were managed by Zack. They were making real-life music videos wayyy before anyone could just upload some nonsense on the Internets. It was also the infamous episode where Jessie got hopped up on caffeine pills and almost ruined her perfect image.

But watching that clip of them jumping on trampolines (music videos never made sense, even in 1990), I had some questions and concerns. Watch the video first, and let’s ask together.

1. Why was Jessie so damn tall?

2. Are thong workout suits over leggings comfortable to get your sweat on?

3. Where in the hell was this video played?

4. Why they had to treat Lisa like the Michelle of the group?

5. Omg, was Lisa Michelle before Michelle was Michelle?

6. How did they jump so high on that bitty trampoline?

7. WHERE CAN I GET THAT PURPLE STRIPED LEOTARD?

Ooh, chile! You gettin’ hot yet? Okay, another good episode was when Kelly cheated on Zack with her new manager from The Max. First of all, THIS IS THE FINEST ACTING TIFFANI-AMBER THIESEN WILL EVER DO IN HER WHOLE LIFE. Second, omg it was so sad!

8. Why are Slater and Jessie always singing?

9. And why are these kids always at prom??? (I’m questioning Mr. Belding’s authority. This is the real High School Musical.)

10. Who taught Slater he could lip sync like that?

11. Zack is supposed to be Romeo? Because he looks like Robin Hood…

12. WHY DID KELLY HAVE TO BREAK ZACK’S HEART LIKE THIS? (You know what they say… How you get them is how you lose them, girl.)

Zack always had some hairbrained scheme, but in this particular episode, all of them had to create a business for school. They got together to sell friendship bracelets Lisa sewed together, and they were making a KILLING. But when Zack got to big for his Js, Slater, Jessie, and Kelly branched off to start a business of their own which was his direct competition.

13. How are you not cool with a popped collar, Slater?

14. BUDDY BANDZ A MAKE HER DANCE?

15. How sexy was this high school commercial?

16. Buddy Bands equals teleportation and don’t you forget it.

This is definitely a top 5 episode — “The Rockumentary.” The gang became a band in Zack’s dream called Zack Attack, and the song “Did We Ever Have a Chance” was their first hit.

17. Why were these kids always singing?

18. Where was Jessie this episode?

19. Was she in the Betty Ford Clinic for taking all these pills?

20. Why did Screech start to pretend singing once the publicist lady walked in the room? (1:17 mark)

Man… I could go on and on about this damn show, but I won’t because we don’t have that kind of time. I mean, I  have the time, but y’all, I don’t know.

What questions do you have about Saved By the Bell now?

Where My Girls At? ‘Orange is the New Black’ Season 2, Episode 1 Recap

Because we waited a whole year for this, let’s just get into it. And SPOILER ALERT. Duh — it’s a recap.

Piper’s in the SHOE and she’s lost her damn mind. She’s making art on the wall with her food instead of eating it, and now she’s being escorted from the prison. But where the hell is this b-tch going?

She has no clue where she’s off to, and, in true Piper fashion, she’s being annoying about it. One of the guards asked her if she had to use the restroom, she said no, and the guard was all, “Don’t say I never asked,” because I’m sure this happens to him all the time where he tells an inmate, “Yo, you better do this because I don’t have time for you and/or your antics.” “Get your flat ass on the bus.” No truer words have ever been spoken to a pancake-bottomed, lily white inmate. I’m sure of this. I googled it.

Flashback time! Oh, hey! It’s little Piper. We see that she was a straight-laced kid (read: boring) and she’s not one for trouble, even when it’s expected.

Back to present day, now that Piper’s being transported elsewhere she says she’s got to use the bathroom. But you were told to go before you left the house! Ugh. Now, there’s more inmates, and everyone needs to be searched. And the black girl has a razor underneath her tongue because we all know nobody checks there! So it looks like they’re boarding a plane, and Piper finally gets to use the bathroom once they’re inside. Like, give this girl a muzzle and a pamper!

She’s getting to know the other inmates in her row, and she tells her story and she’s boo-hooing super hard because she’s not sure if she killed Pensatucky or not. But pretty much she lets them know she’s a stone cold killer with a heart of gold — kind of like Pretty Woman meets La Femme Nikita. So back to Piper crying OMIGOD, NOT THAT LIP QUIVER. More flashbacks: Piper ditches school with her friend to see a rated R flick, and she peeps her dad and his mistress across the street. Ooooh, scandal! And what were they doing, nothing but canoodling and kissing, that’s what.

Meanwhile, back in the present on the plane, the marshall lets them know they’re picking up more inmates along the way, and whaddaya know — it’s men! And these are some nasty bastids, too. Since Pioer is white, the black male inmate calls her first class (clever, clever!). They eat, and he tells her she’s going to get fat… just like Chris Brown did, I’m imagining. Would you look at that! They’re in Chicago now. They make their way to another jail, and, holy BOOBS! Not going to lie, but I was wondering when they were going to make an entrance on the screen because they were flying around season one. Lo and behold, here they go during the strip search. Wait, is that a co-ed jail?! Aww, hell naw!

So she gets her cell assignment and the inmates in there are having a roach battle. This just turned into Joe’s Apartment: Oz Edition, and I’m not here for it. Piper accidentally steps on one named Yoda — way to make yourself at home, Pipes — and the ladies? No, they’re not here for THAT.

Okay, so we’ve met the roach whisperer, there’s the chick with a crown tatted over her eyebrow (because every brow needs to feel a little royal sometimes), and now there’s Susan Miller, the astrology inmate. You know those people you meet and after talking to them, they’re all when’s your birthday because they want to find out if they’ll get along with you? (I know because Im one of those people.) This chick wants to know birth times and moons rising and all that. Who has time?

Piper is like, “WTF am I even doing here?” She calls Larry — yes, the same Larry she cheated on and the same Larry who went on NPR and spread ALL her biz to the liberals listening while on their way to work — so she can call his dad and get her the hell outta there. Back to the 80’s or whatever decade: Piper tells her WASPy mom she saw her dad with another woman and her only logical thing to do is to ground Piper for seeing a rated R movie. We see just how dysfunctional this family really is. But it’s the 1980’s and what are they really going to do? Maury’s not catching dudes with decoys yet, so her mom will be trapped in this loveless marriage only forever. Present time: everyone is out at recess and Piper is told to join the white girls, and this one chick tells her little friend — you know, the one she was telling her story to on the plane — that she’s basically Regina George and she can’t sit at their table. Rude. They get in a fight and who does Piper see. Alex f-cking Voss because duh.

Susan Miller is still trying to figure out Piper’s birth time because she really has nothing better to do in jail — since it’s jail — and while Piper is asleep Susan face molests Piper (she licks her face) to get her attention. All I can think is Susan is a sick b-tch who probably hasn’t brushed her tongue in ages. Piper finally gets a chance to talk to Alex who tells her that Pensatucky isn’t dead, and they’re there for their trial. Ohhhh…

I forgot mention it’s now Piper’s duty to get another roach since she stepped on Yoda — since Yoda was this super roach that is like a carrier pigeon and we’re like, yeah, whatever — so she’s all bent outta shape over it. While on trial, so Piper doesn’t want to be a snitch so she says she has no clue who her Walter White boss is and that Alex took her on all these fancy vacations like to Brussels and I realize, in that moment, how much I want to eat Brussels sprouts in Brussels because that would be inception, and I’m not even kidding.

Oh, but Alex… Alex snitched, and now she’s out of jail. Suck it, Piper! Now Piper’s back at in jail, and guess what? She sees a roach with a ciggy on its back, and we’re like homegirl was telling the truth all along. Now let’s find out what happened with the other girls in episode 2.

I’m So Here For ‘Marry Me’

Lemme just get this out of the way. I love TV — a little too much. I blame my parents, because that’s what we’re supposed to do when we get older and realize the errors of our ways, right?

Anyway.

Now’s the time that all of the fall TV trailers are coming out, we can decide which shows we will be watching come October.

Lemme tell you, Marry Me looks like it’s gonna be super funny. And I know, because I laughed out loud — from a freakin’ trailer!! Watch.

Here’s what I will love from this show (yup, I’m speaking too soon, and I’m not ashamed):

1. It’s got Casey Wilson from Happy Endings, and that was one of my favorite shows that, of course, was canceled. (Side note: why do all the shows I L-O-V-E get canceled?!) She’s super hilarious and animated, and just the right amount of funny.
2. They live in a cute NYC apartment. Yes, when it comes to TV shows, I am completely superficial. If I can picture myself living somewhere, chances I will watch. That’s why I watched Carrie Diaries, and, YES, it was canceled. UGH.
3. There was a cameo of Stanley from The Office (played by Leslie David Baker). He plays grumpy, old, black man sooo well.
4. It made me feel uncomfortable — in a good way. Listen, do not propose to me in front of an audience. Make that sh-t private, please! And, sorrynotsorry, but don’t make me wait six freakin’ years til you propose either. Not feelin’ it.
5. And listen again, if we’re together, we’re a team. Don’t lie to your boss (if you really really have to), and not clue me in! Because if you get fired if I try to propose in front of everyone at your office (which I totally won’t), because we took a vacation to Mexico and you failed to tell me you lied. Feel me?
6. Also, I don’t want to hide down by the bushes and call you in hushed tones on my cell because I’m not sure if we belong together or not.
7. And since the show made me think of ALL of that (in a comedy, nonetheless), I’m watching!

What other fall TV shows are you looking forward to?